As I wake this morning
I feel your side of the bed
And you are again not there
I choke back a tear
And thank God for today

I walk down the still dark hall
Head toward our kitchen
Thinking of fresh coffee
Thinking of your smile
Choking back another tear

Sideways thoughts bombard
I’m surprised at their intensity
Familiar and true
Angered that you are still not here
With me

Visibly shaking my head
Send the thoughts away
I thank God again
For the grace to thank God
Focus on the mundane
Focus on the coffee

Ebbing and rising
Familiar and comfortable thoughts
Lack and suffering of all
Lack and suffering of this moment
Lonely anger flowing
Arriving as the waves
From an endless and mysterious sea

I find your images
Hung liberally
In what will be our space
Refresh the images
In my lonely mind
Another few tears
I choke back again

This chokehold of anger
The chokehold of loss
This strangling fear
Alone in the misery of now
Yet alive in the hope of new
I thank God again
For you

As I sip this strong black coffee
I pull in a long breath of this life
Alive in the presence of now
Alive in the hope of new
Alive in the hope of you